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Feeding The Beast And The Grey Rock Technique. Practical Solutions For Communicating With A Narcissist.
Dr Supriya McKenna
Taking back control when communicating with a narcissist
When one is on the receiving end of a narcissist’s raging outbursts, one’s mind can spin, particularly during the final breakdown phase of the relationship. It is normal for victims to find themselves questioning their own sanity at these times, as they desperately try to explain themselves, to correct the narcissist’s outrageous claims and to respond to the narcissist’s unreasonable demands and threats.
This is often made even more difficult by the fact that the victim may still be struggling cognitively with the true nature of the narcissist, which may have only recently been revealed to them, and so be full of their own disbelief. Depending on the situation, the the victim may also be grieving the loss of the relationship or be fearful about the future (perhaps worrying about their job prospects if the narcissist is their boss), or just be full of self-doubt, confusion and misplaced guilt.
Firstly, it’s important to understand that narcissists need ‘narcissistic supply’. They need to be fed with attention. Whilst they prefer admiration and adoration, if they can’t get this, then drama-filled, negative attention will do just as well. Indeed, this plays to the narcissist’s mild enjoyment of manipulating other’s emotions, which temporarily distracts the narcissist from their underlying sense of boredom and emptiness.
You see, the narcissist’s core wound, which results from his or her upbringing, is that they have no self-esteem - no true sense of self. The false persona they create acts simply as a shield between them and the world - an attempt to hide this internal void.
But the narcissist’s natural state is to feel empty, and attention from those around them acts to temporarily fill this vacuum. However, in narcissists, it is like trying to fill a vessel which is constantly leaking. The vessel will never be full, and attention (‘narcissistic supply’) will always be continually required. If you were one of their better sources of supply (perhaps their significant other), and you have recently withdrawn this, the narcissist will often go to extraordinary lengths to ensure that supply from you continues, even if it is from negative attention.
If you have gone as far as to leave the narcissist, you will also have triggered ‘narcissistic injury’ in them. In other words, your abandonment of them will have forced them to look internally, and actually feel their own inner emptiness and sense of unworthiness. This is a very difficult, raw place for a narcissist to go, as it exposes the entire false sense of self that they have carefully constructed over their lifetime. Not only that, but the public humiliation of being left threatens the narcissist’s externally projected image of success. It threatens how the narcissist is seen by others, which is absolutely crucial to their own fragile sense of self-worth.
The resultant narcissistic injury then leads them to react in extreme ways. This could be anything from severe rage, to manipulative threats of suicide, to seeking cold, callous revenge against the person they see as the perpetrator of their misery. Seemingly bizarre behaviours, such as stalking, bugging, and making defamatory claims about the victim are common, and, sadly, hateful, ranting communication becomes the norm at this point.
In an ideal situation, the best thing to do would be to be able to simply stop ALL CONTACT in any form with the narcissist, and commit to this 100%. However if you have to communicate with the narcissist (for example, if you share young children with them, or work with them) my advice is to:
The premise of this technique is simple, but if properly and consistently executed, the effects are profound. The idea is to simply become as interesting to the narcissist as a boring, large, grey rock.
Silent. Immovable. Dull. Unattractive. Bland. Inedible. A poor energy source. Devoid of emotion. Unreactive. Inanimate.
If you can do this effectively, you become a poor source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist will slink off in search of other sustenance surprisingly quickly. In other words, you will have stopped feeding the beast with your attention and emotion.
There are various levels on which one must work with this, and they all feel very strange, and socially rude, at first.
The key point with the Grey Rock Technique is consistency. The narcissist will try to goad you into reacting emotionally, once they sense that their supply from you is dwindling, and it is exceptionally difficult to refrain at first. But the quicker you are able to, the faster the narcissist will leave you alone, and seek alternative sources of supply. I have seen extraordinary results with this technique in many cases, and cannot recommend it more highly.
I hope this article has been of use to you, and invite you join me for my next blog piece in which I explain other essential tactics for communicating with a narcissist. As always, do feel free to leave a comment in the box below.
This is often made even more difficult by the fact that the victim may still be struggling cognitively with the true nature of the narcissist, which may have only recently been revealed to them, and so be full of their own disbelief. Depending on the situation, the the victim may also be grieving the loss of the relationship or be fearful about the future (perhaps worrying about their job prospects if the narcissist is their boss), or just be full of self-doubt, confusion and misplaced guilt.
If you are finding yourself coming away from conversations with a narcissist (whether your boss, coworker, family member, significant other or friend) wondering what on earth they were talking about, whether you imagined all their fast paced contradictions, or whether they realise how senseless and illogical their justifications seem, fear not. Communication help is at hand.
(And no, you are not going mad. You are simply responding in a normal way to a well documented, highly predictable series of narcissistic behaviours).
Knowledge is power, and here’s what you need to know:
Firstly, it’s important to understand that narcissists need ‘narcissistic supply’. They need to be fed with attention. Whilst they prefer admiration and adoration, if they can’t get this, then drama-filled, negative attention will do just as well. Indeed, this plays to the narcissist’s mild enjoyment of manipulating other’s emotions, which temporarily distracts the narcissist from their underlying sense of boredom and emptiness.
You see, the narcissist’s core wound, which results from his or her upbringing, is that they have no self-esteem - no true sense of self. The false persona they create acts simply as a shield between them and the world - an attempt to hide this internal void.
But the narcissist’s natural state is to feel empty, and attention from those around them acts to temporarily fill this vacuum. However, in narcissists, it is like trying to fill a vessel which is constantly leaking. The vessel will never be full, and attention (‘narcissistic supply’) will always be continually required. If you were one of their better sources of supply (perhaps their significant other), and you have recently withdrawn this, the narcissist will often go to extraordinary lengths to ensure that supply from you continues, even if it is from negative attention.
If you have gone as far as to leave the narcissist, you will also have triggered ‘narcissistic injury’ in them. In other words, your abandonment of them will have forced them to look internally, and actually feel their own inner emptiness and sense of unworthiness. This is a very difficult, raw place for a narcissist to go, as it exposes the entire false sense of self that they have carefully constructed over their lifetime. Not only that, but the public humiliation of being left threatens the narcissist’s externally projected image of success. It threatens how the narcissist is seen by others, which is absolutely crucial to their own fragile sense of self-worth.
The resultant narcissistic injury then leads them to react in extreme ways. This could be anything from severe rage, to manipulative threats of suicide, to seeking cold, callous revenge against the person they see as the perpetrator of their misery. Seemingly bizarre behaviours, such as stalking, bugging, and making defamatory claims about the victim are common, and, sadly, hateful, ranting communication becomes the norm at this point.
In an ideal situation, the best thing to do would be to be able to simply stop ALL CONTACT in any form with the narcissist, and commit to this 100%. However if you have to communicate with the narcissist (for example, if you share young children with them, or work with them) my advice is to:
- Stop all face to face or spoken (phone) communication as far as possible.
- Communicate only when absolutely necessary (trying to defend your position or explain how you feel do not count as reasons to communicate with a narcissist - you will be wasting your time, inadvertently feeding them supply, and be putting your mental health at risk).
- Try to communicate only via email or text.
- Give yourself at least a few hours, preferably a day, before you respond to their communications, allowing yourself time see things objectively and to work out whether a reply, to what is often a nonsensical rant, is even necessary.
- Employ the ‘Grey Rock Technique’.
So what is the ‘Grey Rock Technique’?
The premise of this technique is simple, but if properly and consistently executed, the effects are profound. The idea is to simply become as interesting to the narcissist as a boring, large, grey rock.
Silent. Immovable. Dull. Unattractive. Bland. Inedible. A poor energy source. Devoid of emotion. Unreactive. Inanimate.
If you can do this effectively, you become a poor source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist will slink off in search of other sustenance surprisingly quickly. In other words, you will have stopped feeding the beast with your attention and emotion.
There are various levels on which one must work with this, and they all feel very strange, and socially rude, at first.
- If you ever have to see the narcissist face to face, make no eye contact at all.
- If you have to speak to the narcissist, make your tone of voice
very flat and uninteresting, a little like a robot. Slow your speech
down, so that it sounds boring.
- Try to keep your facial expressions as neutral as possible, and become as unanimated as you can. Absolutely no raised eyebrows, shaking of the head in disbelief, looks of surprise or eye rolling, all of which will give the narcissist clues as to how you are feeling.
- When speaking or writing to a narcissist, use the fewest number of words and syllables you can. Answers should be monosyllabic - of the yes/no variety, with no justifications or explanations.
- Avoid being conversational. Do not use pleasantries or niceties. Just stick to the bare essentials. Imagine you are writing an old-style telegram, in which you are being charged for every word.
- Try not to ask questions, which could open up a discussion but instead tell the narcissist what it is that they should do. eg Instead of “What time will you be dropping the children home?” write “Bring the children home at 6pm.”
- Impart NO EMOTION AT ALL. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this one. Do not even allow the merest suggestion of irritation, frustration, sadness, passive aggression, happiness, cheerfulness etc into your communications. Do not try to appeal to the narcissist’s sense of duty, morals or sympathy. You are opening yourself up to further unproductive communications if you allow even a chink of light through your grey rock armour. For the purposes of this, you are emotionally dead. Think Mr Spock, only even more Vulcan.
- Once you have written an email or text, re-read it a few hours later, looking for even implied ‘in between the lines’ emotion, and erase any you find before you send it. At first, it may be useful to enlist an objective friend to help you with this, to take any remaining heat out of your responses.
- Only respond the the bits of the narcissist’s communications that you absolutely have to for legal or organisational reasons. Ignore the other parts, no matter how inflammatory and outrageous they may be.
The key point with the Grey Rock Technique is consistency. The narcissist will try to goad you into reacting emotionally, once they sense that their supply from you is dwindling, and it is exceptionally difficult to refrain at first. But the quicker you are able to, the faster the narcissist will leave you alone, and seek alternative sources of supply. I have seen extraordinary results with this technique in many cases, and cannot recommend it more highly.
I hope this article has been of use to you, and invite you join me for my next blog piece in which I explain other essential tactics for communicating with a narcissist. As always, do feel free to leave a comment in the box below.
A blog post for family lawyers
Narcissism isn't real. Or is it...?
Let's talk about you
Most lawyers don't know what drives a narcissist
The word "narcissist" is ubiquitous, but are we using it correctly or is it just a buzzword? Expert Dr Supriya McKenna explains what real narcissism is Do you know a narcissist? If you think of your everyday acquaintances, who springs to mind as being a possible narcissist? Your housemate, who is too selfish and lazy to do her own washing up? Your sister, who has never left the house without full make up on? Your work colleague, who is obsessed with designer clothes? Your partner, who cheated on you? Your best friend, who insists on driving a sports car he can’t afford? That date, who ghosted you? But are these people actually narcissists? Well, maybe—but having these traits in isolation doesn’t tell us much. How to recognise a narcissist True "narcissism" is actually Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real, diagnosable personality disorder, and there is a precise range of very specific behaviours that result from having it. These behaviours go well beyond being just mean, vain or selfish—undesirable and irritating though these are. "You (or someone you know) will definitely know a real narcissist—but it might not be who you think it is" As a society, we have collectively misappropriated the narcissist word—and in using it incorrectly we are downplaying the seriousness of what real narcissism (NPD) is. And worse, because of this, we are missing the true narcissists in our midst. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is estimated to affect up to one in twenty people, although exact figures vary. Each narcissist affects several people to some degree—their partners, children, extended family, friends, work colleagues and even their casual acquaintances. What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? NPD is fundamentally a condition of low empathy, where the person has a very limited ability to step into another person’s shoes and feel their pain or joy (or any other emotion).This means that narcissists relate to people on a very different level to an empathic person. Essentially, they cannot deeply care about you, other than in the context of what you can do for them. Confusingly, narcissists are usually able to feign empathy. If we add this low empathy to another hallmark feature of narcissism, a sense of entitlement, you can see how narcissists are able to exploit people for their own gain.The narcissist you know may be exploiting different people for different things. They might be taking credit for other people’s work, using their partner as a domestic slave or provider of sex, and using their children as a way to gain admiration from others. "Narcissists are good at feigning empathy, but they cannot truly feel it" Narcissists see people merely as objects, and their exploitation of others often tips into psychological (and sometimes also physical) abuse. Are narcissists born or made? NPD is partly genetic, but it mostly results from how, as children, the person adapted to a difficult upbringing. As a child, the narcissist developed coping strategies which became "wired in". It’s this wiring that leads to the specific patterns of behaviour that adult narcissists exhibit. The vast majority of people with NPD cannot be cured, although a few specialised psychotherapists report some success. At the core of every single narcissist is a feeling of low self-esteem and shame. But these are feelings which a narcissist cannot bear, so they construct a false persona that they hold up to the outside world to hide behind. "At the core of every single narcissist is a feeling of low self-esteem and shame" This false persona is a shield. It protects the narcissist from feeling their true feelings—and it is very convincing to the onlooker indeed. But a narcissist’s protective false persona can only survive in the presence of external validation. "Narcissists need attention from others, at all times, preferably through admiration and adoration." In the absence of this, they secure attention by causing drama and conflict—and even by instilling fear into others. When a narcissist is getting enough attention their false persona is strong, and they can believe that they are special and unique. The most important thing to know about narcissists is that it is their desperate need to feel special that drives all of their behaviours, and that their need for attention (which is known as "narcissistic supply") is constant—their armour will crumble without it. Types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder There are four major types of false persona to look out for, which can overlap: The Exhibitionist Narcissist appears to be devastatingly charismatic, and may be clever, funny, or very sexy. They relish attention. The Devaluing Narcissist is openly toxic. They put people down in order to feel better about themselves through ridiculing, shaming, badmouthing and name-calling. The Communal Narcissist presents themselves as a do-gooder—needing to be seen by others as the most generous, most kind or the most caring. And the Closet Narcissist, the hardest type to spot, shies away from the limelight, but often associates with people who are special to feel special by association. They get their attention in much more sneaky ways than the other types of narcissist—often through playing the victim, and they appear quiet, shy and effacing. "But, regardless of outward type, all narcissists exploit others, and no matter how much love they receive, they cannot be "loved better". " Signs of narcissistic behaviour Telltale behaviours of narcissism "Love bombing" at start of relationships Repeating cycles of niceness and nastiness An inability to be alone Lack of deep, long term friendships Inability to take the blame or responsibility, blaming others instead An inability to apologise and mean it Violating boundaries Lying and gaslighting Episodes of rage Jealousy Accusing others of what they themselves are doing Moral hypocrisy Playing the victim Lack of empathy Entitlement Exploiting others Aggression (including passive aggression) Devaluing and badmouthing others (putting them down, ridiculing them) Manipulating and playing people off against each other Selfishness Conditional, shallow love A need to control others "Lying, gaslighting and manipulation are all hallmark traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder " A true narcissist will exhibit nearly all of these behaviours and, the closer you are to them, the more of them you will see. But because they intersperse them with nice times, playing what I call "Nice Narcissist, Nasty Narcissist’" you are likely to find yourself sucked back into the relationship repeatedly. This is what real narcissism looks like, and it’s unhealthy, toxic and hard to escape from. But it’s not so hard to recognise—once you know what to look out for. This article originally appeared in Reader's Digest - you can read it here .
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