Jealousy

A narcissist’s self-esteem does not come from an innate sense of self worth, as with healthy people, but from what other people think of them and from how they feel they compare to others. Narcissists need to feel superior, whether overtly or covertly. They need to be winners.

This means that narcissists are always comparing themselves to others, and are jealous of others’ successes. They are jealous of other’s peoples’ possessions, of their houses, of their abilities and interests, of their relationships and social lives, and of their wealth and status.

They feel inferior if their partner has a friend, sibling or anyone else in their lives who they perceive to have more than them, or to be better than them in some sense, and their jealousy leads to all sorts of bad behaviour. Narcissists are constantly fearful about being replaced by someone else, someone better. This will lead to snooping on phones and emails, and, often constant, intrusive phone calls, in order to check up on their partner’s whereabouts. 

Very commonly, the narcissist will accuse their partner of infidelity with the person they are jealous of. They may also try to isolate them from that person either by causing problems in the relationship with bad behaviour towards that person, or by manipulating or controlling behaviour towards their partner. They may directly ask their partner to stop seeing the person in question, give them the silent treatment until they comply, or tell lies about the person they are jealous of, to put an end to the relationship.

Even long-term platonic friendships will be frowned upon, or questioned by narcissistic partners. I recall the tale of the client whose husband set up a hidden camera to spy on her when she had her friends over for a ‘girls night in’. When she discovered the camera he accused her of it being her fault, because he wouldn’t let him attend the evening - he felt justified in finding out what her friends and her were talking about.

Narcissists are also jealous of their partner and friends successes. Whilst they may at first seem proud of their achievements, this is only because it reflects well on them - and that initial basking in the glory of having such a successful partner or friend to talk about to others soon turns into a deep insecurity. If they are successful, they may leave them for better climes, after all. Many narcissists will do everything in their power to undermine other people’s efforts to further their careers, by devaluing them, criticising them, destroying their confidence and sabotaging them wherever possible.

If there are good things in your life, the narcissist will eventually be jealous of them.