The Narcissist at Work

Are you struggling with a narcissist at work? 

Are you struggling with a narcissist at work? Did they initially charm you, and seem like a great addition to your team? Perhaps you hired them yourself, impressed with their CV, confidence and experience. If so, are you now questioning what they told you about themselves, and wondering how much of it was actually true? 

Looking back, were you so blinded by their charisma and apparent capabilities, that you failed to do your due diligence? Maybe you didn't notice that their references never arrived? Maybe you didn't look for evidence of their purported experience, or their published research papers? Did you feel as though you would be lucky to have them, and so you didn't want to put them off the job by asking more probing questions? Did they seem so believable that you didn’t bother to do your usual checks? 

That's the thing about narcissists – they are experts at putting up a convincing false persona, which they need other people to believe in, so that they can believe in it themselves. This is key to what narcissism is – it's a defence that the narcissist hides behind, which saves them from having to feel their true underlying feelings of shame, inadequacy and worthlessness. Can you take some comfort in the fact that that, if you were fooled by their outward appearance, you will not have been alone?

"They are experts at putting up a convincing false persona,

which they need other people to believe in,

so that they can believe in it themselves"

Perhaps your issues are with one of your co-workers or a business partner, and you’ve been stunned to find that they have presented your work as their own, or taken joint credit for work you did. Maybe they took more than their fair share of payment for joint work. 

Did they start out seeming enthusiastic for your project, perhaps even putting in some initial good work, but then slowly stop pulling their weight? Did they come up with 'the dog ate my homework' type of excuses, when they didn't deliver what they were supposed to (the computer crashed/didn't save my work)? Or did they turn in work of such terrible quality that you were forced to spend hours re-doing it, because it would have reflected badly on you too? After you did this the first time, did they start expecting you to make up for their inadequate contributions all the time? (Narcissists will test you, pushing your boundaries to see what you will put up with, to work out how much they can exploit you later).

"Narcissists will test you, pushing your boundaries

to see what you will put up with,

to work out how much they can exploit you later"

And when it comes to boundaries, narcissists will blur the line between professional and personal boundaries, perhaps inviting you to social events, or following you on social media. They often have inappropriate relationships at work, and boundaries to do with time will also be encroached. Does your workplace narcissist expect immediate responses to messages that they have sent you outside of work hours? Do they expect you to work late, or even whilst you are on holiday? Lateness is often seen in the workplace too – do they rock up to meetings late and leave early? Do they keep everyone waiting until the last minute before showing up to their presentation, causing unnecessary stress to those around them? Do they like to make a grand entrance at these times? 

Do they play people off each other at work, badmouthing them behind their backs, or do they triangulate you with others, openly praising them whilst ignoring you, making you feel insecure? 

Do they have favourites, who are often subordinates, with whom they have loud banter and ‘in jokes’ – their fan club? Do they blow hot and cold towards you, making you feel destabilised, and causing you to try harder to win favour with them? 

Are they a bully, prone to rages or sulks? Do they always think that they know best, or do they genuinely listen to advice? Do they tell you how to do your job, even if they know nothing about it? Do they expect people to break rules for them, and do they lie about their taxes, and ‘cook the books’? Do they break confidentiality, and share work related (and other) information that they shouldn’t? Do they threaten others, perhaps with legal action, if they don’t do as they want? 

Playing the victim

If you ever call them out on their behaviours, do they give you a sob story ('I'm depressed/in a dark place/ having family issues/have a health issue')? Do you feel your empathy kicking in, and do you find yourself doing even more for them at these times? Or do they stonewall you by completely ignoring your concerns? Or do they maintain a completely inflexible position, giving no justifications for their actions ('I maintain my position'), in the hope that you will simply give up trying to make things fair? 

Do they play the victim at work – claiming to be being discriminated against for their race, gender, illnesses, looks, age and anything else they can think of? Or do they encourage others to do this, and sit back and enjoy the drama? 

Have you now become familiar with the concept of 'DARVO' (Defend, Attack by Reversing Victim and Offender)? Here they defend their actions by trying to turn you into the issue, by shifting the focus on to you. If you’ve ever called out a narcissist on their behaviours, the abusive act in their mind, will be your act of calling them out - not the abusive behaviours they carried out. 

Legal issues 

Narcissists make terrible work colleagues, but often rise to positions of power, and narcissistic bosses are rarely held accountable for their behaviours. Staff will either constantly be turning over, or they will stay for years, too scared to leave because of the potential repercussions – and if they try to leave they may be sucked backed in repeatedly by the narcissist’s ‘hoovering tactics’.

"Negotiations will be hampered by the narcissist’s need to ‘win’,

and to prolong the conflict and drama

in order to feed off their victim’s emotions reactions"

Legal issues are rife, and negotiations will be hampered by the narcissist’s need to ‘win’, and to prolong the conflict and drama in order to feed off their victim’s emotions reactions. They will change the goalposts just as you think you are reaching agreements for this reason, and many people find themselves flummoxed as to why the narcissist doesn’t seem to want to move forwards and settle the conflict, becoming angry and frustrated. They may not know that these behaviours are all down to the narcissist’s need for ‘narcissistic supply’ – the fuel that keeps them emotionally safe. 

But not all narcissists are haughty, arrogant braggarts, and even the shy, self-effacing Closet Narcissists can cause major issues at work, by covertly sabotaging others and playing the innocent victim. 

Before you act, it's aways important to really get to know your particular narcissist, to inform your strategy in dealing with them. Dr McKenna advises individual clients and companies in the area of workplace narcissism, often also meeting with any legal teams involved. If you’d like to know more about narcissistic behaviours, her online course, Demystifying the Narcissist may be helpful, and her book, The Narcissist Trap, contains in depth questionnaires to hep you determine whether you are dealing with a true narcissist, and if so, which subtype they might be. For more information, please do get in touch.