Lovebombing

A romantic relationship (or any other close relationship) with a narcissist is an addictive one. It is the very nature of the abusive behaviours of the narcissist (most likely to be stealthy to start with) that cause to their victims to become addicted to the narcissist, and so to become trapped in the relationship. They are therefore kept exactly where the narcissist wants them, as a reliable and steady source of narcissistic supply, too invested to break free.

But how do the abusive behaviours lead to the victims becoming addicted to the narcissist? Narcissists use ‘intermittent reinforcement’ to keep their victims hooked to them. This works due to the brain being flooded with certain brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) during the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship.

If you have been in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, you will usually have been ‘lovebombed’ at the beginning. You may have been showered with attention, with over the top professions of love and grand gestures, or been in constant communication. This is an important time for your brain chemicals, when they first start to be produced in huge quantities.

But what starts as the ‘perfect’ relationship, with the narcissist being loving and caring, then turns ever so slightly sour with subtle abuse. Perhaps the narcissist goes slightly cold towards you, or stops calling for a few days. Perhaps they are mildly critical of you, maybe even disguising their put-downs as joke.

At this point, the victim is in the ‘devaluation phase’, and, with sinking heart, they absorb the blame and becomes desperate to get back the feelings of the initial ‘idealisation’ phase of the relationship (related to the high levels of neurotransmitters in their brain). They find themselves jumping through hoops to placate or win over the narcissist, who gives out varying wins (big or small) at unpredictable times. Perhaps a tiny bit of attention here and there, interspersed with an unexpectedly lavish meal or profession of everlasting love, followed by a silent treatment and then mild humiliation.

This throws the brain chemicals into havoc - they are sometimes depleted (and so craved for) and sometimes sky high. From a neurochemical perspective, this is an addictive cycle, similar to the one employed by gambling slot machines, and it’s precisely the varying unpredictable nature of the wins that keeps the victim ‘in the game’, chemically hooked to it. It’s far from obvious to a victim locked in the cycle that they are even in a cycle.

The victim begins chasing their tail, eventually becoming grateful for the smallest crumbs of good behaviour or attention from the narcissist. Sometimes just the absence of abuse, name calling or silent treatments (if these are in that particular narcissist’s repertoire) becomes enough to make them feel at peace.

With slot machines, the initial payout keeps the gambler playing, sinking more and more cash into the machine, hoping that the next win is around the corner. Just as they are about to tire of the game, a small win occurs, re-igniting their desire to continue playing for the jackpot. More money is lost, but another neurochemical releasing win follows, as they hoped. It is no accident that these machines are designed to be profitable. The gambler is never really the winner. And in exactly the same way, nor is the victim of narcissistic abuse. 

This chemical addiction to the narcissist, as a result of their intermittent reinforcement schedule of rewards, is called Trauma Bonding. It leads to false hope that things can get better, and a pattern of rumination in the victim about how they can get back to that place of loving calm, when they are in the devaluation phase. It teaches them to try harder. To be better. To give more. To ask for less. To want less. To dance to the narcissist’s tune, and all the while, to be grateful for any scraps tossed their way, and to scrabble on the floor for them, starving and needy. These are the exact same tactics that cult leaders use to ensnare their victims, and they are all known to be pathologically narcissistic in personality - and this cycle is one that narcissists use in all types of relationships - not just romantic ones. Now as we know, addicts of any sort are driven by their addictions, and do not view them with objectivity. This is why victims find it hard to see the narcissist for who they are.