Projection

Projection is a psychological defence mechanism unconsciously used by many people, but by all narcissists. When we are faced with our failures, weaknesses, difficult thoughts and less flattering traits we may unwittingly use projection as a way of feeling better about ourselves.

A narcissist’s sense of self-worth depends upon maintaining a superior view of themselves. They are completely emotionally unable to accept the parts of themselves which are imperfect - doing so would lead to an existential crisis. So, they assign those parts of themselves to other people, ‘giving away’ the feelings of shame that would come with acknowledging their flaws (‘shamedumping’). In other words, they project their thoughts, feelings, behaviour, insecurities, shame and fears on to their target.

So, when your narcissistic partner accuses you of infidelity, they are actually the one who is cheating, or thinking of cheating. When they accuse you of being a bad parent, they are actually talking about themselves. When they tell you that you are looking terrible, they are projecting their own disgust at themselves on to you. When they tell you that you are just like your mean-spirited father, they mean that they are just like your father. And when they tell you that you are not coping and you need help, they are actually telling you that they are not coping, and need help.

If this has gone on for years, it is quite common for the victim to actually take on and identify with whatever it is that the narcissist is projecting on to them, and start to believe it. Perhaps you are not as lazy/ugly/stupid/boring etc as the narcissist in your life told you you were, after all.

Take a good long look at anything that your suspected narcissist is accusing you of - could it be that they themselves are guilty of it?