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The Certainty Project - a new way to avoid court delays in divorces involving a narcissist.

Supriya McKenna

The Certainty Project

          - a new way to avoid court delays in divorces involving a narcissist.

If you are currently going through the court system to divorce your narcissistic spouse in the UK you will doubtless be tearing your hair out. The overstretched, underfunded court system was on its knees even before the COVID-19 pandemic. But now, sadly, things have reached a whole new level and the system, as most lawyers will tell you, is well past breaking point.

But what does this mean for you and your divorce? Well, in a word, it means
delay.
Sorting out the finances and the children’s living arrangements used to take a year to 18 months, but now you could easily be waiting two years to get to a final hearing and a resolution of matters, and this doesn’t do anyone any favours (except your narcissistic spouse).

There are three main court hearings for the finances  - the FDA, the FDR (where you try to reach a resolution through negotiation) and the final hearing (which you only get to if you can’t reach an agreement at the FDR). At the final hearing (a highly stressful affair, during which you and your spouse will be put in the witness box and cross examined by each other’s barristers) a judge will decide your financial fate.


"Only around 3% of all divorces end up at a final hearing - but the majority of narcissistic divorces do."


 And it’s even worse if you also can’t agree on the children’s living arrangements or schooling. A completely separate court route will be taken here, in addition to the financial path, with yet more hearings. If allegations of abuse or parental alienation have been made (as they so often have been where a narcissist is involved), there will be expert reports to be done by CAFCASS or social services which can take months to be completed, and which may favour the narcissist, who is a master of impression management. If the allegations are about you, you may not be allowed unsupervised contact with your children, and you may even have to pay for an agreed person to supervise the time you spend with your children. And all of this can go on for literally years, until the final decision is made by a judge.


The problem with judges


Judges, who are chronically overworked, may not even have a background in family law. They may not have time to read the paperwork before the trial and may be unfamiliar with your case. They too might be taken in by the plausibility of the narcissist. Although they try hard to put any biases to one side, they are not infallible and, like everyone, are affected by their unconscious biases - they may not realise that you remind them of the aunt they used to loathe, or that your former spouse is like their long-lost brother. And, because judges are in short supply, you may even end up with lay magistrates, with
no legal background, hearing your case instead.


The problem with delays

The long months that stretch out between your court hearings are also a problem when your spouse is a narcissist. Remember that narcissists need 'narcissistic supply' as fuel, and keeping you in a battle for as long as possible gives them just this, from the drama and the conflict. Narcissists don’t want to settle things quickly - they want to eek things out. It gives them the opportunity to mess around, changing jobs or reducing their earnings, hiding or giving away assets and turning up to the marital home to take items when you are out. It gives them the opportunity to try to turn the children against you, or use them as weapons of their abuse. It allows them plenty of time to send you nonsensical ranting accusatory emails and texts which send you into an emotional tailspin, or to threaten you or your loved ones with blackmail. It gives them time to send your solicitor pointless letters, via their own solicitor, if they have one, about trivial matters, just to make you spend money on legal fees in responding. It gives them ample time to wear you down, and to teach you a big lesson - that they 'own' you and always will, and that they will do everything they can to ‘win’ at all costs.


The problem with Court


If you are hoping that the court system will deliver retribution for the narcissist’s bad behaviour, I am afraid it will not - that is not what it is there for. If you are hoping that it will be fair - well, you may be disappointed there too - the judge can only go on what they are given, and the narcissist will lie and withhold evidence at every turn.

In short, going to court with a narcissist and allowing a judge to decide the fate of your finances and the fate of your children after a long and acrimonious battle is likely to be a very bad idea indeed for your finances, your sanity, your ability to parent and your healing journey from narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic divorces cost each spouse tens of thousands of pounds, often reaching the hundred thousand pound mark, precisely because of the delays which the narcissist uses to financially and emotionally abuse you.


So what can you do?


Well, all is not lost. The Certainty Project is a brand new method of reaching a resolution which can work for both child arrangements and sorting out the finances. It is cheaper (costing a third to two thirds of the cost of going to court), quicker (lasting around sixth months) and fairer than the court process, and it works beautifully with narcissists.


"In a few years from now The Certainty Project may well be the go-to-method for resolving difficult divorces but, for now, its new and it’s cutting edge - and that is precisely why you might be able to convince your narcissistic ex to agree to it."

Because it is new, your solicitor may not be fully familiar with it, and it may well be outside of their comfort zone - but this is no reason not to engage in it. (Being slightly cynical, your solicitor stands to gain a lot more financially from a long drawn out court case then a six month process - although of course not all solicitors are this unscrupulous). Here you may have to do something you are not used to (you have, most likely, a fairly compliant personality, given that you have found yourself in this current situation). You may have to stand up for yourself and insist that they consider it as a serious option. You may even have to go against their advice, and
instruct them that this is the route you wish to take. Not easy, I know, but your if you are brave enough to divorce a narcissist, you are brave enough to tell your solicitor what to do, believe me.

So what exactly is it? The Certainty Project is a private route, as opposed to the state route. It involves the combination of mediation and the hiring a private judge, called an Arbitrator, who will be in charge of keeping everything moving. You first start out by undergoing a specialist form of meditation called Hybrid Mediation (where you and your narcissistic ex sit in different rooms with your respective lawyers and a specialist Hybrid Mediator moves between the rooms, trying to negotiate an outcome). This Hybrid Mediation is the only form of mediation which works well with narcissists, and an agreement can be reached in around 80% of narcissistic divorces using this method. The Hybrid Mediator is a lawyer themselves who has been further trained in the technique of Hybrid Mediation. If you cannot reach an agreement, or can’t agree on everything in mediation, you then move into the ‘arbitration’ process, where the case is presented to the Arbitrator (here you might use a barrister exactly as you would in the court process) and the Arbitrator makes a decision, acting as a private judge. The final stage is that the decision made by the arbitrator is sent to the court to be approved by it, which is the quickest bit of the process. That decision is now enforceable by law.

The Certainty Project gives you the chance to try to reach a negotiated outcome with your narcissistic ex, with the sure knowledge that - if you cannot -  a sensible and decision will be made for you.

Arbitrators differ from state appointed family law judges in that they
all have to have a very high level of training in family law, and will have undergone specialist training to become Arbitrators. You can be sure that your Arbitrator will have read the papers and be properly acquainted with the details of your case, unlike with some overstretched judges in the state system. You can feel reassured by the fact that an Arbitrator’s reputation for fairness is an important factor in them securing further work, and that being fair matters to them. And you and your ex get to choose your Arbitrator rather than being assigned a judge or lay magistrate over whom you have no say.

In a few years from now The Certainty Project may well be the go-to-method for resolving difficult divorces but, for now, its new and it’s cutting edge -
and that is precisely why you might be able to convince your narcissistic ex to agree to it. This kind of method will appeal to their ‘specialness’ - it’s certainly not for the ‘riff raff’, as they might see it. They might also like the fact that it will cost them less money than going to court  - but the speed of it is not something to be emphasized when you are trying to convince them to agree to it - remember that narcissists love delay and want to keep you in play as a reliable source of narcissistic supply for as long as possible.

So, even if it means going against a reluctant, late adopter solicitor, give it a try - your mental health, your bank balance and your children could all benefit.

For more information, including information for your solicitor on how the process works, visit
www.thecertaintyproject.co.uk.


by Dr Supriya McKenna 17 March 2025
Do I actually need a lawyer? You may be wondering whether you need a lawyer if you are divorcing, as it is possible in some countries, including in the UK, to apply for a divorce online. However, here in the UK at least, there are three bits to the process – the paper exercise of the divorce, which you don’t need a lawyer for, and the other two parts – the finances and the children. Settling the finances with a narcissist is unlikely to happen without legal input, sadly, as narcissists have a huge sense of entitlement, a need to ‘win’, a lack of empathy regarding your circumstances, a need for narcissistic supply through causing drama and conflict, a belief that you (once you have split up) are ‘all bad’ and deserving of punishment, and a need to draw out the process for as long as possible, by continually shifting goalposts. Add to that the fact that they are practised liars, and will not tell the truth about their finances, and you can see why successfully sorting things out on your own with them is highly unlikely (and probably impossible). If they decide to cause conflict with the children, as they often do, lawyers may well also be needed here. Note that it is possible to represent yourself in court, without a lawyer, but that this tends to work best later on, when you have gained experience in how the system works, and are feeling emotionally stronger. I discuss the benefits of being a ‘Litigant in Person’ in Chapter 28 of my book Narcissists in Divorce: From Leaving to Liberty - The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth. In the UK there are two types of divorce lawyer – the ‘solicitor’ who does the day-to-day work and liaises directly with you, and the ‘barrister’ (who speaks on your behalf in court, and gives more complicated legal advice). If your barrister has been instructed by your solicitor you can only contact them via your solicitor. However, some barristers (‘direct access barristers’) can be instructed directly by clients, without a solicitor being involved. I need to be brutally frank here, and tell you that far too many lawyers will not disclose the reality of the dysfunctional court system to clients, and they have a vested commercial interest in protracted cases, which narcissistic divorces often become. The wrong lawyer can easily rack up your legal bills but leave you with little to show for it. This is particularly true in the UK for solicitors. So, if you happen to be a UK father, whose narcissistic wife is preventing you from seeing your children, you might want to contact Fathers 4 Justice (www.fathers-4-justice.org) before deciding on whether to instruct a solicitor. Unfortunately, no such cost-effective organization exists exclusively for mothers battling abusive fathers in the UK. However, the UK charity Familes Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk) does provide resources to parents of any gender, for a membership fee. But regardless of where in the world you live, most of you will need to know how to go about finding the right lawyer. The fact of the matter is this: most lawyers do not understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder to the extent they need to, to be able to help you effectively. And many will simply pooh-pooh the idea that your partner is a narcissist, because this is a term that commonly gets bandied around incorrectly, especially in break-ups. I recently gave a talk to 250 lawyers about NPD, during which I asked how many of them had been told by a client that their ex was a narcissist, within the last 2 months. Every single hand went up. I then asked how many of them, having spent a bit of time on these cases, now thought that they were dealing with a ‘real’ narcissist. Only five hands remained in the air, and as I gave my talk, I could see these lawyers nodding their heads vigorously, as I described true narcissistic divorce behaviors. So you can see the problem – the ‘buzzword’ use of the narcissism word, in the general population, means that lawyers are unlikely to take your concerns seriously, until significant emotional, legal and financial damage has already been done. This means that, unless you have a strong recommendation of someone who specifically understands NPD, you are going to have to interview quite a few lawyers (they will often offer free initial consultations) until you find the best one for you. It may be that you have to settle for a lawyer who understands domestic abuse and coercive control instead, but only if they are willing to learn about NPD, and will take all of your concerns seriously. It may also serve you to choose a lawyer who is not in your local area, especially as, since Covid, most consultations can be carried out remotely. You may have a distinct advantage if you do this, as an out-of-area lawyer will not have a reputation of ‘being reasonable’ to maintain with your local judges, and is more likely to actually fight for you, rather than trying to tiptoe around or placate the judge. Lawyers care deeply how their local judges view them – and this can be to your detriment. How to interview a potential lawyer When interviewing potential lawyers, you will need to: Explain the narcissist’s behaviors Explain how you have been affected Ask the lawyer specific questions Explaining your partner’s behaviors Describe the behaviors that you (and any children) have been subjected to during your relationship, with specific examples of each behavior. It’s definitely worth writing these down, to keep you focused. Include examples of: Physical abuse (often not present at all in NPD, however). Rape or sexual boundary violations. Repeatedly putting you down, criticizing you, or calling you names. Isolating you from friends and family. Manipulative behaviors. Exploitative behaviors where they have used you for their gain. Passive aggression (such as silent treatments or stonewalling you). Projection (accusing you of things that they themselves are doing or being, for example accusations of affairs or flirting). Favoring a ‘golden child’ over a ‘scapegoat’, and having an ‘invisible child’. Going through repeated cycles of being nice to you, but then being nasty (the ‘cycle of idealization and devaluation’). Lovebombing at the start of the relationship. Low empathy towards you and the children. Entitled behavior. Controlling behaviors such as: Controlling your finances, or preventing you from having a job. Restricting your access to transport. Threats, including of blackmail (e.g. revenge porn). Threats if you leave them (including threats of suicide). Monitoring how you spend your time. Monitoring your communication with others. Exerting control over your everyday life, such as dictating where you go, who you see, what you wear and preventing you from sleeping. Stopping you from accessing support services, such as medical services or specialist support (including for the children). Forcing you to take part in criminal activity such as taking the blame for their offenses (e.g. speeding tickets). Destroying or damaging household goods, or cruelty to pets Gaslighting such as by: Telling you that you are ‘crazy’. Telling you lies that make you question your reality. Rewriting history so that you question your memory. Invalidating your feelings (e.g. telling you that your feelings are ‘wrong’). Explaining how you have been affected Include examples such as: Walking on eggshells. Continually trying to please them with ‘fawning’ behaviors. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, complex PTSD. Any physical illnesses. Loss of confidence/self-esteem/support systems. Asking the lawyer specific questions You will want to know: What they understand by the term Narcissistic Personally Disorder. If they tell you that they ‘don’t believe in labelling people’, that ‘everyone thinks their ex is a narcissist’, that narcissists are ‘just another word for high-conflict’ or that it ‘makes no difference whether your partner is a narcissist’ to the legal process and your divorce, get out of there, immediately. If they blithely tell you that they are completely au fait with dealing with narcissists, make sure they tell you the specifics of how narcissists behave in divorce. (A client of mine was once duped by his lawyer into believing that he understood NPD because he had written a blog post on his firm’s website about it. £85,000 later, and no further on in the case, it became patently clear that his lawyer’s blog post had simply been a way to jump on the NPD bandwagon, to attract clients, and in fact, he didn’t really have a clue.) How much experience they have of narcissistic divorces, and what they think the chances are of settling things out of court (through negotiation through lawyers or mediation, for example). If they pride themselves on never or rarely having cases that end up in court, they probably do not have the experience that you need, as the fact is that most divorces like this end up in court. Whether they think narcissists ‘calm down’ over time, and become more reasonable as the divorce progresses. The correct answer is that they do not. If they get this wrong, they have failed the interview. Whether narcissists have the best interests of their children at heart. If they tell you that ‘all parents love their children, whether narcissists or not’ they will not be right for you, and they will enable a lot of damage to be done before they work out the truth. Whether they will help you write any witness statements for court, and put together your financial disclosure, or whether they will just leave this to you. Whether they will go through your partner’s financial disclosure (such as their bank statements) in detail with you, looking for discrepancies and missing information, or whether they expect you to do this without them (most simply do the latter). Whether they are willing to learn about NPD (on their own time) and take on board what you tell them about it, so that your case runs more smoothly. Key takeaways It may take a while to find a lawyer who fits the bill. But whatever you do, don’t choose a ‘nice’ lawyer (with little experience of domestic abuse, coercive control or NPD) over a less personable one who does have the required experience. So often, my clients admit to me that they gave their kindly lawyer repeated chances, because they ‘liked them’, and because they thought that they could learn about NPD during their case, and so help others later on. I’m going to be stern here: you do not just need ‘nice’, ‘understanding’ and ‘sympathetic’ – you need effective too. And as to educating your lawyer so that they can help others (if this is part of your thought process) – again, this may go against the grain, but now is the time for prioritizing your needs and those of your family. I also have to caution you that a senior lawyer who seems very experienced may actually be too stuck in their ways to be effective in your case, although that’s not always true. Conversely, a very junior lawyer might find themselves overwhelmed by everything that comes their way during your case, but be unable to be honest about this with you, and carry on regardless. I’ll warn you now – you may well have to change lawyers at some point in the process, and I explain this further in Chapter 31 of Narcissists in Divorce: From Leaving to Liberty - The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth , from which this blog post was adapted.
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The word "narcissist" is ubiquitous, but are we using it correctly or is it just a buzzword? Expert Dr Supriya McKenna explains what real narcissism is Do you know a narcissist? If you think of your everyday acquaintances, who springs to mind as being a possible narcissist? Your housemate, who is too selfish and lazy to do her own washing up? Your sister, who has never left the house without full make up on? Your work colleague, who is obsessed with designer clothes? Your partner, who cheated on you? Your best friend, who insists on driving a sports car he can’t afford? That date, who ghosted you? But are these people actually narcissists? Well, maybe—but having these traits in isolation doesn’t tell us much. How to recognise a narcissist True "narcissism" is actually Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real, diagnosable personality disorder, and there is a precise range of very specific behaviours that result from having it. These behaviours go well beyond being just mean, vain or selfish—undesirable and irritating though these are. "You (or someone you know) will definitely know a real narcissist—but it might not be who you think it is" As a society, we have collectively misappropriated the narcissist word—and in using it incorrectly we are downplaying the seriousness of what real narcissism (NPD) is. And worse, because of this, we are missing the true narcissists in our midst. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is estimated to affect up to one in twenty people, although exact figures vary. Each narcissist affects several people to some degree—their partners, children, extended family, friends, work colleagues and even their casual acquaintances. What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? NPD is fundamentally a condition of low empathy, where the person has a very limited ability to step into another person’s shoes and feel their pain or joy (or any other emotion).This means that narcissists relate to people on a very different level to an empathic person. Essentially, they cannot deeply care about you, other than in the context of what you can do for them. Confusingly, narcissists are usually able to feign empathy. If we add this low empathy to another hallmark feature of narcissism, a sense of entitlement, you can see how narcissists are able to exploit people for their own gain.The narcissist you know may be exploiting different people for different things. They might be taking credit for other people’s work, using their partner as a domestic slave or provider of sex, and using their children as a way to gain admiration from others. "Narcissists are good at feigning empathy, but they cannot truly feel it" Narcissists see people merely as objects, and their exploitation of others often tips into psychological (and sometimes also physical) abuse. Are narcissists born or made? NPD is partly genetic, but it mostly results from how, as children, the person adapted to a difficult upbringing. As a child, the narcissist developed coping strategies which became "wired in". It’s this wiring that leads to the specific patterns of behaviour that adult narcissists exhibit. The vast majority of people with NPD cannot be cured, although a few specialised psychotherapists report some success. At the core of every single narcissist is a feeling of low self-esteem and shame. But these are feelings which a narcissist cannot bear, so they construct a false persona that they hold up to the outside world to hide behind. "At the core of every single narcissist is a feeling of low self-esteem and shame" This false persona is a shield. It protects the narcissist from feeling their true feelings—and it is very convincing to the onlooker indeed. But a narcissist’s protective false persona can only survive in the presence of external validation. "Narcissists need attention from others, at all times, preferably through admiration and adoration." In the absence of this, they secure attention by causing drama and conflict—and even by instilling fear into others. When a narcissist is getting enough attention their false persona is strong, and they can believe that they are special and unique. The most important thing to know about narcissists is that it is their desperate need to feel special that drives all of their behaviours, and that their need for attention (which is known as "narcissistic supply") is constant—their armour will crumble without it. Types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder There are four major types of false persona to look out for, which can overlap: The Exhibitionist Narcissist appears to be devastatingly charismatic, and may be clever, funny, or very sexy. They relish attention. The Devaluing Narcissist is openly toxic. They put people down in order to feel better about themselves through ridiculing, shaming, badmouthing and name-calling. The Communal Narcissist presents themselves as a do-gooder—needing to be seen by others as the most generous, most kind or the most caring. And the Closet Narcissist, the hardest type to spot, shies away from the limelight, but often associates with people who are special to feel special by association. They get their attention in much more sneaky ways than the other types of narcissist—often through playing the victim, and they appear quiet, shy and effacing. "But, regardless of outward type, all narcissists exploit others, and no matter how much love they receive, they cannot be "loved better". " Signs of narcissistic behaviour Telltale behaviours of narcissism "Love bombing" at start of relationships Repeating cycles of niceness and nastiness An inability to be alone Lack of deep, long term friendships Inability to take the blame or responsibility, blaming others instead An inability to apologise and mean it Violating boundaries Lying and gaslighting Episodes of rage Jealousy Accusing others of what they themselves are doing Moral hypocrisy Playing the victim Lack of empathy Entitlement Exploiting others Aggression (including passive aggression) Devaluing and badmouthing others (putting them down, ridiculing them) Manipulating and playing people off against each other Selfishness Conditional, shallow love A need to control others "Lying, gaslighting and manipulation are all hallmark traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder " A true narcissist will exhibit nearly all of these behaviours and, the closer you are to them, the more of them you will see. 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