Devaluation

This is the stage which follows the lovebombing/idealisation phase of the repeating ‘cycle of idealisation and devaluation’. It gradually lowers your self-esteem, so that you accept more and more bad behaviour from the narcissist, and eventually start jumping through hoops to try to get back the original feeling you had during the lovebombing phase. 

Devaluation can be non-verbal or verbal.

1.   Non-verbal:

•   wincing
•   pulling faces
•   looking disgusted
•   walking away
•   checking phone at inappropriate times
•   watching TV during important conversations
•   yawning, looking bored, looking at watch when the other is speaking.
•   Silent treatments
•   Physical abuse (although not all narcissists employ this).
•   Lateness, which makes the target feel unimportant and undervalued, as if their time is not as important as the narcissist’s.

2.   Verbal putdowns

These may be disguised as:

 - Jokes (insult followed by “I’m only joking!”)

 - ‘I’m only telling you this because I care about you’ type comments

- Insults delivered using a third party e.g. “My mum is worried that you are making me materialistic...” or “My friend thought that dress made you look pregnant...” This way the narcissist is devaluing the target but not taking responsibility for it. 

  - Concern e.g. “Don’t be too disappointed when it doesn’t work out/you don’t get the job/they change their minds.”

- Embarrassment e.g. “You shouldn’t have drunk so much/talked so much/hogged that person’s attention so much/told that story” etc.

At first the narcissist’s devaluations might be small, and subtle but if the target accepts these put downs, the narcissist will slowly ramp up the insults, testing how far they can go. Eventually, if the target tolerates this, frank name-calling and insults can become the norm. “You are boring,” “You are spiteful” “You can’t dance/sing/cook.”

The target’s taste in clothes, furnishing, houses, art, music or anything else can also be used to devalue them, as can their choice of career, parenting methods etc. The way you stand, the way you speak, the way you blow your nose; the list is literally endless. Children will be demeaned and criticised, and spouses will be ridiculed for not earning enough, cooking well enough, keeping the house clean enough, being sexually adventurous enough etc.

The narcissist’s target eventually believes that they are not enough in any way, as a result of these endless, verbal put downs.